Truth. Life. Love!

You know the moment you discover something about yourself and it is something you really don’t like?  It sucks!

This blog is one of the most uncomfortable ones I will ever write but I am doing so for a few reasons:

1.  So I can be accountable to the words I use on this blog.  By making it public knowledge, I will have it in my head that I must stick to my guns (so if you see me not living up to my words, please do something to re-direct me where I need to be).

2.  To help:  there may be somebody that reads this blog that is going through the same situation that I am going through so maybe I can inspire somebody to get out of their funk,

3. For me:  I am writing out my feeling and emotions and the struggle I am going through so hopefully I can find some peace or something positive in it.

I have a situation going on in my life and I don’t like it.  I struggle to break the cycle and now it is having an effect on every aspect of my life.  I was in denial for many, many years about it but the past will catch up to you if you have not faced it.  No I am not addicted to any sort of substance, but it is like an addiction.  I have co-dependency and the discovery of it has rocked me to my core.

Basically what codependency is when a person self worth, self-esteem, and everything they feel about themselves is reliant on one person.  They give away their power, they give away their lives just for one person.  Basically they lose their identity in the other person and only are concerned with the well being of them.

Within my codependency I have made several mistakes that could and should have broken up my marriage, I am going to admit some truths so you can see what I am talking about.  (For the people who think very highly of me, I am sorry for letting you down with what I am about to say).

I have a lying problem and it is for my own protection.  I lied so I could try to avoid difficult situations and confrontations, especially with my wife.  but the thing about lying is that it is hard to keep up with and you usually will get caught.  Remember the saying “if you tell me the truth, you will be in less trouble!”  I’m here to say that it is true.  Lying isn’t worth it at all and I need to stop because I only hurt the ones I love.

I have cheated.  My wife caught me one time after our son was born looking at an inappropriate website.  In my opinion (and according to the bible), I cheated on my wife.  Hear me when I say this, it crushed me knowing how much I hurt her and that was probably only a fraction of the pain I caused her.  The hardest part was that a few days earlier we were complemented on how in love we looked.  I have never forgiven myself for this act.  The sad part about it, and I have said this to my wife, that if I hadn’t been caught she probably would have never known.

Lying and cheating are ways I have hurt my wife.  I have also not kept promises (including my vows), planning and not following through, not communicate effectively and a whole lot other things.

Now comes the codependency.  I have turned my back on everybody at one point of my life.  My wife did not ask for me to do it, I did it on my own.  I stopped doing things that I love so I would not think I was upsetting my wife.  When I thought I was doing what a husband should do and spend all the time I could with my wife I thought I was drawing us closer, all I ended up doing was smothering her and pushing her away.

I felt like I had to be around her, put her needs first and not worry about mine.  I was wrong, by me not taking care of myself, I have become so dependent on my wife’s needs and wants that I don’t know how to take care of my own (it feels like).  I don’t feel like i can have fun on my own, I am uncomfortable with doing things on my own and being alone.

I am broken and need to be fixed, but nobody can fix me but me.  I have to make the choice to get better and take care of myself.  I have to say that I am a good person and I deserve to be happy, but I have to make myself happy.  My happiness cannot be dependent on anybody else but me because I only have control over me (I can’t even control my 3 year old).

To find myself again and create my own happiness, I have come up with three words to guide me along the way.

Truth. Life. Love.

Truth:  I just need to tell the truth (and nothing but the truth). I have to stop worrying that i may hurt somebodies feeling and tell them the truth.  If I do something wrong, don’t wait to be caught or see if they will notice, be upfront about it.  I need to not omit anything from the truth because then I am twisting it to cover me in a different light, so am I really telling the truth?  By me telling the truth, I will set an example for my son to follow and I want him to grow up to be a better man than me.  Lying does not protect you, it only delays the truth from other and gives them a reason to not trust what you say or do. I don’t want that anymore.

Life:  have a life!  I love my wife and son and want to spend all the time I can with them, but what about the time I need to keep my sanity.  I truly feel like I don’t have many friends anymore, especially since I have moved from my home town.  I don’t go out with the guys, I don’t really talk with anybody or make plans.  I don’t really do things to take care of myself  or have fun.  Which means i don’t have much to talk with my wife about since all I do really is work and go home.  With grad school out of the way I really have no excuse.  I need to find something to create fun for me and have a life.

Love:  This is one that I need to do better of, I need to show my love to others.  Saying “I love you” is meaningful but they are words, how do I show love?  How do I show God’s love to others?  In truth I do love, loving others has never been an issue but I have gotten lazy about showing love.

This is a step for me to get better and help me be a better me.  I want to be better and I am not doing it for my wife and/or son.  It is not selfish to want to better myself.

I didn’t write this to get sympathy or make excuses for my actions, I did it so I can be held accountable to myself.  I did it so that I might be able to help somebody that is going through something similar, or to stop somebody from making a mistake that could really cost them.

Find what makes you happy and go after it!

until next time…