Day 6: Tired

I’m tired and thank God it is Saturday. Tonight will be a short blog since I just got home from date night with the wife.

Guys, quickly, make sure you find ways to spend time with your significant other. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 1 day or over thousands of days, let them know you cherish them.
Today’s workout was Kenpo X and it was fun. It was hard to get going because I was stiff and sore from my other workouts this week but I quickly got through that. It was a good warm up and the high infinity moves including punching, kicks, and pretty martial art moves. I was covered in sweat but it was fun. 

I broke one of my eating rules today, even I said I was trying to take better care of myself I cut out fried food. Well, we were at a Mexican food restaurant for dinner and I are chips and salsa. I know I shouldn’t have and will do better from now on, just wanted to be upfront.
That’s it for tonight, until tomorrow…..

Truth. Life. Love!

You know the moment you discover something about yourself and it is something you really don’t like?  It sucks!

This blog is one of the most uncomfortable ones I will ever write but I am doing so for a few reasons:

1.  So I can be accountable to the words I use on this blog.  By making it public knowledge, I will have it in my head that I must stick to my guns (so if you see me not living up to my words, please do something to re-direct me where I need to be).

2.  To help:  there may be somebody that reads this blog that is going through the same situation that I am going through so maybe I can inspire somebody to get out of their funk,

3. For me:  I am writing out my feeling and emotions and the struggle I am going through so hopefully I can find some peace or something positive in it.

I have a situation going on in my life and I don’t like it.  I struggle to break the cycle and now it is having an effect on every aspect of my life.  I was in denial for many, many years about it but the past will catch up to you if you have not faced it.  No I am not addicted to any sort of substance, but it is like an addiction.  I have co-dependency and the discovery of it has rocked me to my core.

Basically what codependency is when a person self worth, self-esteem, and everything they feel about themselves is reliant on one person.  They give away their power, they give away their lives just for one person.  Basically they lose their identity in the other person and only are concerned with the well being of them.

Within my codependency I have made several mistakes that could and should have broken up my marriage, I am going to admit some truths so you can see what I am talking about.  (For the people who think very highly of me, I am sorry for letting you down with what I am about to say).

I have a lying problem and it is for my own protection.  I lied so I could try to avoid difficult situations and confrontations, especially with my wife.  but the thing about lying is that it is hard to keep up with and you usually will get caught.  Remember the saying “if you tell me the truth, you will be in less trouble!”  I’m here to say that it is true.  Lying isn’t worth it at all and I need to stop because I only hurt the ones I love.

I have cheated.  My wife caught me one time after our son was born looking at an inappropriate website.  In my opinion (and according to the bible), I cheated on my wife.  Hear me when I say this, it crushed me knowing how much I hurt her and that was probably only a fraction of the pain I caused her.  The hardest part was that a few days earlier we were complemented on how in love we looked.  I have never forgiven myself for this act.  The sad part about it, and I have said this to my wife, that if I hadn’t been caught she probably would have never known.

Lying and cheating are ways I have hurt my wife.  I have also not kept promises (including my vows), planning and not following through, not communicate effectively and a whole lot other things.

Now comes the codependency.  I have turned my back on everybody at one point of my life.  My wife did not ask for me to do it, I did it on my own.  I stopped doing things that I love so I would not think I was upsetting my wife.  When I thought I was doing what a husband should do and spend all the time I could with my wife I thought I was drawing us closer, all I ended up doing was smothering her and pushing her away.

I felt like I had to be around her, put her needs first and not worry about mine.  I was wrong, by me not taking care of myself, I have become so dependent on my wife’s needs and wants that I don’t know how to take care of my own (it feels like).  I don’t feel like i can have fun on my own, I am uncomfortable with doing things on my own and being alone.

I am broken and need to be fixed, but nobody can fix me but me.  I have to make the choice to get better and take care of myself.  I have to say that I am a good person and I deserve to be happy, but I have to make myself happy.  My happiness cannot be dependent on anybody else but me because I only have control over me (I can’t even control my 3 year old).

To find myself again and create my own happiness, I have come up with three words to guide me along the way.

Truth. Life. Love.

Truth:  I just need to tell the truth (and nothing but the truth). I have to stop worrying that i may hurt somebodies feeling and tell them the truth.  If I do something wrong, don’t wait to be caught or see if they will notice, be upfront about it.  I need to not omit anything from the truth because then I am twisting it to cover me in a different light, so am I really telling the truth?  By me telling the truth, I will set an example for my son to follow and I want him to grow up to be a better man than me.  Lying does not protect you, it only delays the truth from other and gives them a reason to not trust what you say or do. I don’t want that anymore.

Life:  have a life!  I love my wife and son and want to spend all the time I can with them, but what about the time I need to keep my sanity.  I truly feel like I don’t have many friends anymore, especially since I have moved from my home town.  I don’t go out with the guys, I don’t really talk with anybody or make plans.  I don’t really do things to take care of myself  or have fun.  Which means i don’t have much to talk with my wife about since all I do really is work and go home.  With grad school out of the way I really have no excuse.  I need to find something to create fun for me and have a life.

Love:  This is one that I need to do better of, I need to show my love to others.  Saying “I love you” is meaningful but they are words, how do I show love?  How do I show God’s love to others?  In truth I do love, loving others has never been an issue but I have gotten lazy about showing love.

This is a step for me to get better and help me be a better me.  I want to be better and I am not doing it for my wife and/or son.  It is not selfish to want to better myself.

I didn’t write this to get sympathy or make excuses for my actions, I did it so I can be held accountable to myself.  I did it so that I might be able to help somebody that is going through something similar, or to stop somebody from making a mistake that could really cost them.

Find what makes you happy and go after it!

until next time…

Tired but Trying to Push Through

When I decided to write a blog a few years ago, all I wanted to write about was my journey to the Tough Mudder.  When I completed that, I decided to create a new blog to write about whatever I wanted.

With my blog, I don’t want to be scared to talk about what ever is on my mind with no apologies.  I just want to write about what is in my head and share it with whom ever reads it.  I make no apologies for what I write because what I write comes from me.

As some of you have read, I have been very busy.  I’m trying my best to be the best husband I can be (which I do not feel I am doing a very good job), be the kind of Dad that is not too busy for my son and be around and have fun with him, teach my students, coach my football players (thankfully football season is over), complete grad school (just 2 more weeks), and anything else that comes on my plate.

I AM JUST PLAIN TIRED!

I would like to just sleep and rest but I really don’t know how.  Even when I am sick (except with the flu, which i am on the verge of my death-bed), I can’t just sit still and do nothing.  I feel like it is almost impossible because I can’t shut my brain off to relax and not think (damn my ADHD).

With all of this going on, it has truly effected me though, and in not alway the positive way.  One positive is that I am never bored, something is always going on.  But mainly it has effected my passion!  I am a very passionate person who attempts to give 100+% in all that I do, but I am having a hard time doing this and in no other place is this more evident than in my marriage.

I love my wife more than I can even say, I have loved her since I met her.  But as the years have gone on, I have not given her the attention that I once did and it is no ones fault than my own.  I can tell her everyday that my love for her has not changed, but I no longer show her.  I make all of these plans of things I would like to do for her, but I let my schedule and exhaustion interfere with showing my wife my true feelings for her.  (Guys, never stop making them feel like a princess).  I used to show my wife how much I loved her and what she meant to me, but I let life and myself get in the way.  The sad thing is that I want to change it but I really don’t know how to.

I know that through my exhaustion and life, I need to make sure that not only do I push through, but I overcome the obstacles to reach those that mean the most to me.  Being tired cannot be an excuse to why put thing off to tomorrow because when will tomorrow become today?

Life is hard and it will wear you down, but you must keep moving forward or life will run you over.  I may be tired and barely have enough energy to move throughout the day, but I chose to keep moving forward towards my goals and love ones.

No matter what your struggle is, never stop fighting because the reward will have been worth the fight.

Until next time….

Lets try this again……

After much time from my blog, I am going to try writing it again.  I miss writing, even if there really isn’t a topic that I am going to cover.

Today is going to be about why I have been gone for so long.

Something had to give in my life because my plate was too FULL!!!!  If it was a box, it would be filled to the brim with stuff flowing out from the sides.  I was exhausted.

I started a new job in August, I still am an educator but I moved from teaching elementary special education and moved to teaching 6th-8th grade special education mathematics, the type of teaching position that started my career.  I am so happy to be teaching math once again, I’m a nerd and just love teaching math.  The school I am at, this is a first for me, is on the richer side of town.  I have spent most of my career teaching in title 1 (or almost title 1) schools.

In addition to my new teaching position, I have come out of coaching “retirement’ and began coaching football once again.  I had forgotten how many hours were involved in coaching but it was not nearly the amount of hours I used to spend on football before.  I would have never thought about coaching again if my son (the stinker) and my wife were not supportive of it.  I love football, okay sports in general, but I do love coaching because I feel like I have the knowledge to help mold young athletes into better players, and most importantly better people.

I know some people would be overwhelmed by that, but there is more.  I am still pursuing my masters degree in educational leadership.  I am very happy to say that the pursuit of my graduate degree is almost complete with graduation happening on December 13, 2014, so I am just a few weeks shy of completion (which I am very excited about).

So needless to say, I am ready for a break.  But that is not all that is going on because I haven’t even talked about the top people in my life that are my number 1 priority (and they have been keeping me busy).

Let’s start of with my wonderful three year old son, a.k.a. the stinker.  I love being a dad and he keeps me on my toes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  He is going to preschool 3 days a week and he has lots of fun going.  He has also developed a love of sports (I think that came from me), he is currently playing soccer (yes, there are leagues for 3 year olds) that I am the head coach of; more coaching for me.  I am simply amazed by him everyday (says almost every parent), he is growing too quickly and is so smart.  He wants to learn, but is quick to pick up everything that is going on around him (good and bad).

Next on to my beautiful wife, the love of my life (no I am not in trouble).  She has been very busy, which makes our house extremely busy.  At this time, she is working on completing a book to have published.  She had already written it once but decided to change the format of the story from 1st person to 3rd person, which i think helps they story a lot.  I already loved her story and knew it would get published, but now with the change, it is so much better!  With her so focused on her writing and getting her book published, we as a family decided for her to leave her job at our son’s pre-school to focus on it 100%.

Life has been going for my family and I but I wouldn’t have it any other way, other wise my life would be very boring.  So my message today is to be thankful for your life and be thankful for all that is going on because there is a plan for you already happening (even though you  may not know it).

Until next time…….

Gone

I know I talk about my wife and the stinker a lot, but that’s because I love them so much.

They have made so many sacrifices for me, whether it was when I was coaching (and I was gone a lot), changing jobs in a different town away from our families, or going back to school. I will never be able to repay them for the sacrifices they have made for me.

The reason I called this blog “gone” is for a specific purpose.

Every Sunday since the fall, the wife and the stinker have left our home and gone to her parents house for a night or 2. The reason for this is because my wife teaches dance at a studio in the area we are from. So every Sunday I stay at our house with Joey (our awesome dog).

The good thing about this is that it gives me time to do my grad school homework with any distraction because if they were they, my focus would not be on school work (it would be on them). Now I know my wife would want me to do my work, but the stinker would want to play (and I would) and I would just want to be around them. I can’t help it.

So every Sunday they leave and I stay behind, which sucks! Yes I know getting my work done is very important (I don’t want to waste our money and I want the degree), but it’s so empty when they are not there. I feel incomplete when they are not around. Basically I miss them, a lot!

Thank God for FaceTime though because I still get to see their smiling faces, but it still isn’t the same. Yes I hear their voices and see their beautiful faces, but you can’t hug or kiss a screen (even though we do kiss the screen).

Ever since I have been with Lauren (10 years in October, I’m just as shocked as you are that she has put up with me that long) and since the stinker was born, I’ve just wanted to be around them, I’ve just wanted to make them happy.

I know that the space give us a chance to miss each other, but it doesn’t stop me from missing them very much. I just count down the time until they are home again.

Until next time….

Grad school

I do not believe that decision only effect the person making the decision but effect all of those close to them.

Last summer a decision was made in my household, I decided to go back to school for a masters degree in Educational Leadership.

It was something I had been talking about with wife and thinking about periodically, but would always put it on the back burner.

When I had started to think more seriously, I knew I would have to do all of my classes online (even though the 1 online class I took when trying to get my bachelors was unsuccessful), so I was seriously looking at WGU.

When I started to get more information on it, my wife found another program that sounded better for me through Stephen F. Austin University. The program was completely laid out with deadline (which I need), and all Texas residents received a scholarship (which is always good).

After doing more and more research on the program, I talked it over with my wife and she supported me going back to school, so I applied and I was accepted (which I was completely shocked and excited by).

Going back to school was scary because I knew it would be a sacrifice by my family, not just a monetary sacrifice, but most importantly a time sacrifice. Spending time with my family is my number 1 priority, but we knew we could find a plan to help.

We worked out a plan to where I would have Sundays to myself to complete work without distraction.

My family (my wife, the stinker, and the rest of my family) have been very supportive, as well as my friends. But there have been some doubters to whether I was ready to go to school or if I would be able to handle it, but the few doubters have given me fuel to prove them wrong. I love and appreciate the support of those who believe, but I live to prove doubters wrong. I’ve done it my whole life and I know I will continue to do it.

I just completed my 2nd semester of grad school with graduation coming in December of 2014 (very close and I applied today for graduation). My grades have been very good because I have been more determined to be successful and to make good grades, a lot more determined than I was with my bachelors. I have taken 4 classes so far (2 classes each semester, full load for grad school), and I have made 3 a’s and 1 b. With 6 more classes to go (4 this summer and 2 in the fall) it is getting so close I can taste it.

If I can go back to school and be successful (so far), anybody can be successful. All I did was not make any excuses and not let failure be an option.

That’s all for tonight.
Be successful!

Cat’s in the cradle

Okay, so I haven’t been as dedicated to my blog as I have wanted to be, but when you’re being a husband, father, teacher, and grad student, blogging kind of takes a back seat. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing, I just do not always have the time to do it.

I was inspired recently to write a blog a few weeks ago and now I finally have am opportunity to do it, luckily it’s a timeless theme that I feel a lot of people new to hear.

I heard a song recently (and it’s one of my favorite songs) on the top 500 songs in classic rock on 93.7 the arrow (I honestly do not think there is much change to the order of classic rock list from year to year) and the song “Cats in the cradle” by Harry Chapin came on. I’ve heard this song so many times in my life and have sang it loudly when I am alone in my car, but, for some reason, the lyrics hit me hard and they made sense to me.

If you haven’t heard the song, I recommend checking it out, it’s a simple folk rock classic.

To make a long story short of the song. It is about a man and his son, the man loves his son very much but is married to his work. All his son wants to do is play and spend time with his dad but his dad is too busy. Well the boy grows up an the man gets old. The old man is now wanting to spend time with his son but his son is now too busy to spend time with him or his own son. The boy became just like his dad.

I guess it hit me because I am a father to my stinker and it got me thinking. Money can be made, I could go get a job that I could make a whole lot more money, but would it be worth it? Like I said before, money can always be made, but time can never be made up! My wife deserves her husband to be home and my son deserves to have his father around.

To me, nothing is more important than family. I may not have very expensive things, I may not make a lot of money (even though I feel that teachers should get paid a whole hell of a lot more than we make, but that’s for a different blog), but I know where I need to be.

Always remember that time can never be made up, do the best to make the most of your time.

Failure

Failure is a word that does not sit well with me, in fact I hate the word. I have never really felt like a failure in my life and there is one reason behind that, I do not quit!

Now, before you think I’m full of BS, please take the time to read on how I do not think I am a failure, how I think you are also not a failure and how hard it actually is to be considered a “true failure”.

Failure, in my opinion, is quitting. It’s just throwing your hands up, saying forget this (it’s more than likely another F word used), or anything in that nature. I do not consider it a failure if you work hard on or at something, but the end result in not what you pictured it. The different end result could be what was truly meant to happen and because you did not quit, something did happen and it would not have happened if you had given up.

There have been several times in my life where I wanted to give up, just walk away and never think of it again. It could be that it got too hard, I didn’t see a point in it anymore, I was lazy, etc. (I could honestly go on and on) but I always had the internal drive to keep going, not to stop. That drive, the desire that God blessed me with has made me very successful. For example, most marriages do not make it to 5 years anymore (google it), it’s not the 7 year itch, it’s the 5 year glitch. It could have been so easy for my wife and I to say forget this and walk away from our vows, but we didn’t! Some people would say that we are only trying to keep it together for our stinker (our child) and that’s not true either! We work on our marriage because we want it to be successful. I love her more than anything and I am going to do anything and everything to guide our marriage in the right direction and make it a success. We both know that one day our stinker will move out and it will just be the two of us and we will be okay with it just being us again. IT TAKES WORK!

That is what I believe, not just with marriage, but in life, to not be a failure means you have to work! When I was in high school, my linebacker coach would say this line over and over again, “There’s a price to pay for something special!” I cannot count how many times I heard that line, but it’s true for all aspects in life. If you want it, be willing to work for it.

I feel that is the biggest issue happening now a days, most people just want something given to them, not willing to put forth the effort. Hand outs are not free!! If you aren’t putting in the work, somebody else is doing the work! There are always excuses why work cannot be done, and yes I do understand situations, but do not let your past or something you cannot control make you expect somebody else to do your work so you can be taken care of, that’s not being a PRODUCTIVE member of society.

I didn’t accomplish my goals on my own, I had support. My family and my friends always had my back, to lift me up when I was down, and for that I will always be thankful to them. It can be hard to be successful if you do not feel you have a support system, and if somebody that reads this feels like that, just know that there is somebody looking out for you because even when I felt alone, I know who is always by my side!

Be your best and never quit, that is the recipe to avoid failure!

Stinker Time

I went through the day trying to think what I could talk about. My mind was sort if drawing a blank. It’s crazy to think that I set up a blog for my thoughts and my life and I couldn’t think of what to write, but inspiration comes from all places.
It’s not surprising that my inspiration came from my stinker today (that’s what I call my son, he’s my stinker).
Life is hard! There are some days that you feel like nothing will go your way, you feel like your drowning, or just that somebody is out to get you. I’m not saying I had one of these days today (my classroom actually ran very smooth), but his daily actions made me think. He made me think that no matter what is going on out the outside, at home I am his daddy and it’s time to play.
When I got home today, stinker was still napping and my wife, knowing how loud I can be, told me to make sure I stay quiet (because I am a little loud and a little clumsy). Fortunately, the stinker didn’t stay asleep to long after I got home. He woke up crying for mommy, but I told her I would go get him.
He was so excited when I saw him after nap and that just made my day, I could win the lottery and that feeling would not match the feeling my son just gave me. He snuggled up to me so he could wake up and then went to mommy.
We then turned his whole room into a train park (he has a little obsession with trains)

I guess what I am trying to get at here is to not be to busy for your home, the people at home depend on you to be there when you are there. Yes, I spent my time with my stinker, but that gave my wife some much needed rest time. Plus I got to use his remote controlled train, that’s a great time.